The Day Today

Zayne’s Back In!

It’s the news his fans have been waiting for: Zayn Malik has decided to rejoin One Direction.

A source close to the band said Zayn had decided to rejoin after his first solo single, ‘I Wont Mind’, was not well received.

There is also speculation that band mate Louis Tomlinson could have guilt tripped Zayn into re-joining. Or he may have felt obliged to rejoin after some fans threatened to kill themselves over his departure.

Members of the group are no longer headed in more than one direction.

Boris Offers Keys To The Door (Including His Own)

Boris Johnson has stated that all empty buildings across East London will be commandeered and used to accommodate the homeless and those on waiting lists for social housing. The Conservative Mayor announced the initiative in a move ‘re-integrate the whole city by letting East Londoners on to the housing ladder.’ He has also offered rooms in his own residence to evicted families and their pets. Guests at the Boris B’n’B will pay £240 a week inclusive of gas, electricity and hair dressing services.

Beard Transplants Pop Up In Shoreditch

Just when you thought the pop-up concept couldn’t get anymore whacky, cue Beard Bar! Yes, it’s happened: the new wave of pop-up is upon us; and this is one for the guys.

Beard Bar is a bespoke service for those who cannot grow, tame or mould the distinctive beardy look which has become synonymous with East London. This pop-up offers beard transplants. An hour-long session with one of Beard Bar’s medically trained specialists, and you will leave with instant face fuzz that grows organically into a perfect bush.

The Beard Bar uses the follicular unit extraction method associated with celebrities such as Wayne Rooney and James Nesbitt. The technique, originally developed to create a full head of hair, has been adapted to ‘guarantee facial hair consolidation in a sustainable manner.’

Attempted Hijack Goes Bananas

DLR passengers travelling to Beckton were left shocked when 56 year old green grocer Michael Hall attempted to hijack the train. His weapon of choice was somewhat unusual.

Mr Hall used a banana hidden inside a carrier bag to demand that passengers ‘stand and deliver’ the contents of their wallets and handbags.

A near-traumatised eye witness recalled the moment the banana wielding criminal announced his dastardly intentions: ‘I was terrified. For all we knew it was a real gun. It wasn’t until he dropped the bag that the penny dropped – or drooped, I should say.’

The perpetrator has been apprehended by London Metropolitan Police who released a statement saying ‘Mr Hall claims he was suffering from a great deal of stress and has shown bunches of remorse for his actions.’

Kanye’s Offer ‘Better Than God’s’

Multi-million pound rap artist Kanye West has left his Glastonbury critics open-mouthed by sealing a deal to buy the annual festival outright.

West was reportedly outraged about change.org’s petition to have him removed as the headlining act in June 2015. Over 130,000 festival fans signed the petition, saying ‘Glastonbury needs real musicians, playing quality music, not an arrogant rapper who thinks he is the Holy Spirit.’

The festival was pioneered in the 1970s by local farmer Michael Eavis. A spokesperson for Kanye West said: ‘I gave nice old Mr Eavis a farewell package that even God wouldn’t refuse. Now Kanye can headline Glastonbury every year ‘cause I own it!’

Living For The Weekend (Only When Liz Lets Me)

After a string of club sightings, Prince Philip has confessed he ‘lives for the weekend’ in an exclusive interview with Rising East.

‘I’m just a bad boy at heart,’ the Duke said. ‘It’s just in my blood.’

The Greek royal isn’t a newcomer to the scene by any means. Decades ago he was crowned the ‘Swing Master’ of the Ibiza DJ’ing crowd.

‘Me and the boys used to have it large. One guy, Bean Head Bill, used to let me ride around on his back, butt-naked. The ladies loved it. It was all about the banter.

‘The kids these days don’t party like they used too.’

It wasn’t until Princess-now-Queen Elizabeth came on the scene that Philip slowed down. His royal duties meant side-tracking his passion for the party scene.

‘Of course, the other girls had to go. Liz was having none of it. I was absolutely gutted.’

The 93-year-old also owned a successful record label. His most famous track is ‘I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead’, remembered for its savage bass lines and cruel riffs.

‘I actually invented Dubstep, you know,’ added Prince Phil. ‘I wasn’t surprised when it came back. We played the sugar out of it until our ears bled.’

With meet and greets and political consultations, the Prince has next to no time to get ‘on it’ anymore. ‘It’s dull, but it pays the bills,’ he continued. ‘I fell into the job thinking it would be a temporary thing, but I ended up staying on. Yeah, the digs are alright, but it’s nothing like I planned. I had big dreams, I wanted to make a name for myself, but we can’t have everything can we?

‘The wife’s dogs get my allergies going, too’.

Sometimes Prince Phil stops pining for times past and escapes for a much-prized night out in old haunts such as Elephant and Castle’s Grime palace, Corsica Studios.

‘The lads and I smashed it a couple of Fridays back. Liz went mental cos’ I didn’t get back till seven the next morning. I don’t think I slept that whole weekend to be honest.’

At this point Prince Phil’s PR interrupted to say he was required elsewhere. We believe he needed to pick up a few things from Topman in preparation for the four-day Easter weekend.

UK Anonymous

Twelve people are sitting in a circle in a community hall, making very little eye contact. One of them stands up:

‘Hello, my name is Richard, and I’m an alcoholic.’

Everyone claps.

‘When I arrive home after work, I go straight to the kitchen and grab a bottle of red. Sometimes I’ll finish the bottle before The One Show and I’ll be asleep by Eastenders.’

 ‘THAT’S NOTHING,’ bellows a man in a suit with greying hair and yellowing teeth.

‘My name is Nigel and I’m a British alcoholic.’

He sounds almost proud.

‘I like my ale, and I like my fags. I meant to have a dry January but I just had to have a drink after mistaking Angela Merkel for my German wife.

‘When I’ve had a drink I often make outlandish comments on the state of the country. That’s why I need help.

‘Please vote for me to receive treatment,’ he concluded.

New Law Against Truth Invasion

David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg have joined forces in support of a bill to outlaw ‘media malpractice on 1 April.’

The Anti-Social Media Bill was first mooted by film actor Hugh Grant, who complained that news organisations have been misleading the public on 1 April ‘for years’. He is concerned that misleading the public is now institutionalised as a form of ritual abuse. ‘They think they can invade the truth with made up stuff, and get away with it. But we’re here to make sure there’s a law against it’.