“Unfortunately there are many naive subs who’ve read Fifty Shades of Shit and dream of a hunky billionaire to rescue them. That book has about as much to do with BDSM as I do with super modeling. And Mr Grey himself isn’t a Dom but a mentally mixed up chap who needs therapy to deal with his demons.”
MiSTARess, 41, has been a pro and lifestyle dominatrix for eighteen years now. She also performs and DJs as a female drag queen in Holestar and has worked internationally for fifteen years. This pro-dominatrix has a Fine Art Masters from Central Saint Martin’s and her interests include art, music, pop culture, travel, BDSM, sex and sexuality.
What is the main role of a dominatrix?
I see myself as a therapist of sorts. Heteronormative society generally looks down on those whose sexuality is outside of conventional. I’m there to help people accept that their desires are perfectly fine as long as they are safe, sane and consensual. Many dominatrixes have an ice cold demeanour which I understand as it’s the most frequently played out scenario by porn and the media, but I care that people enjoy themselves in my company. When subs have served me well, they get a hug at the end which surprises many.
You do face-to-face play. Have you ever felt in danger?
I’ve never felt in danger as a dominatrix. More so in the so-called real world. I vet my subs and never do on-the-day appointments.
Are the people who surround you aware of your job?
My parents know and I’m out to everyone I know. I appreciate it’s not easy for everyone but I’ve no shame in it. I’m an advocate of sex positivity and the more people talk about sex, sexuality and BDSM openly, the better.
Is being a professional dominatrix a full-time job?
Not for me. Many get into it thinking it’s easy. Slapping people around is fabulous but it’s a fraction of what we have to do. I’ve seen many Dommes burn out as it can be physically and mentally exhausting. The game has changed considerably since I started in 2000 as it’s all online now. I don’t have the time or inclination to Tweet constantly to entertain prospective subs. I’m an alpha woman – begging for clients seems rather desperate. I’m confident enough in my skills and have a life outside of kink so it doesn’t consume me. I get to enjoy it rather than see it as a chore.
So far, what has been the most uncomfortable thing you have done?
I never do anything I’m not comfortable doing, however there was one incident when I lived in Vienna. An Australian chap wanted to eat my faeces. I declined and arrived at the hotel to see he’d done it himself on top of the toilet seat. After a boringly conventional session, he wanted me to force him to eat it. I did. Despite gagging, the worst part was after when he looked up at me and his teeth and gums were full of it: an image that’s still burnt into my memory. Scat floats some people’s boat but it’s not for me.
On the opposite side – what is your favourite thing to do while working?
I’m a bit of a sadist but there are few true masochists these days, they’re all so soft. My theory is that older people might have been spanked or caned in school, or ‘played rough’ when younger. These days, most people receive no physical pain in their youth and can’t handle it as an adult, especially men. Women are built to deal with pain and have a higher pain threshold.
I love to let fly with various spanking implements and floggers. My current favourites are wooden paddles. Such a satisfying sound! I adore the exhilarating rush of adrenaline when I’ve fully connected with someone physically and mentally. I love sissification, dressing men up in stockings and women’s underwear does funny things to me. I also enjoy teaching men the power of their prostate.
Do your clients ever have access to your real name and information?
No. They’re entering into a fantasy, a temporary theatre. While they’re in my company I’ll do my best to facilitate their needs, but once they leave my real world is of no concern of theirs.
Do people respect you as a professional or they see your job as a perverted hobby?
I don’t care what people think to be honest. However many potential subs are time wasters and don’t respect us as professionals. They’ve spent years fantasising about serving a dominant woman, finally pluck up the courage to act upon it, but can’t get over their precious little egos to deal with their fantasies in reality. They are the only real downside to being a dominatrix and unfortunately take up a lot of time and are an endless source of frustration.
In a situation of danger – as in real not a play – what is the first thing you would do?
Call the police. Simple.
Do you have any advice for people interested in the BDSM world?
You should always go into this rationally. Read and learn as much as you can before playing. Negotiation is incredibly important. Always establish a safe word. It’s important to remember that the sub is always in control. Abuse and consensual BDSM are very different things.
Don’t waste time with idiots. There are numerous fakes out there – abusers dressed up as dominants – and the mentally unhinged. If someone online starts demanding respectful terminology straight away or gets angry at the most basic of questions, they’re already into the fantasy and likely to be fake. Listen to your gut and get out while you can.
Unfortunately there are many naive subs who’ve read Fifty Shades of Shit and dream of a hunky billionaire to rescue them. That book has about as much to do with BDSM as I do with super modeling. And Mr Grey himself isn’t a Dom but a mentally mixed up chap who needs therapy to deal with his demons. Read Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty books for something far more riveting.
Do you imagine yourself working as a dominatrix for the rest of your life?
I’ll always be involved with BDSM in some capacity as it’s part of who I am and my goodness it’s fun. Professionally, not so sure. I’m a big woman and I’ve never been a clichéd slim Goddess in latex and as porn and visual kink imagery dictates. It’s what a lot of people want and I’ve no interest in maintaining that image. My mind is far more interesting. As is cake.
I assume you spend a lot on equipment. Is part of it for health and safety?
Indeed. I’m very conscious of health and safety. We’re dealing with weapons of arse destruction here. I’ve learnt how to use every bit of equipment I own.
Is there anything you would definitely refuse to do regarding fantasies?
I’m pretty open minded and will try most consensual things once but I don’t do anything involving scat, blood, children or animals. I don’t do medical scenarios. They don’t interest me and have had no medical training. I also don’t do heavy bondage. Not an aversion but again I’m not trained and am more of a ‘strap them down and get on with it’ kind of woman.
Roger Ebert said: “That’s what fantasies are for, to help us imagine that things are better than they are.” Do you believe you are creating a better but temporary place for your clients, in which they can be themselves?
My domina persona is me, it’s who I am on a daily basis. Yes I’m creating one-to-one theatre but I’m not acting. When I started I thought being bossy and shouty equated with dominance which is rather immature and pointless. But then again, the rise of the so-called FinDom where bratty girls scream at men from their social media for money, for nothing, is fascinating. But that’s another article.
Unfortunately we still have Victorian attitudes regarding sex in the UK. My parents never spoke of it – probably why I have such an interest in it now. I want people, all people, to be more open and accepting of their sexuality. I’d love a world where people can express themselves without shame as long as it’s safe, sane and always consensual. But we’re a very long way from that. As a dominatrix, I take pride in creating a space where people can explore themselves in a safe, non-judgmental space, albeit temporarily.
