Filled with excitement I strolled into aquarium night club in East London hand in hand with my cousin Louise. Louise led me inside and straight to the bar, marching around flicking her hair like she owned the place. The air was a mixture of smoke and neon lights. The smoke machine clouded my vision and the fluorescent lights dazed me. Sweaty body odour lingered through the air like an unwanted fragrance. I could barely hear my cousin as she giggled and chatted to me. Techno music pumped out of the speakers so hard that you could feel your ear drums vibrate. I hated this hard core house music. Where were the lyrics? How could I even dance to this racket? My head was going to explode. This wasn’t my idea of fun. I was stuck in a sweat box smothered with crazy people dancing around me shaking their heads and waving their arms in the air screaming to the repetitive beat.
“Lighten up,” my cousin told me. I didn’t want to ruin the party, that’s not me. I guess I opted to make the most of it. I sipped my vodka and cranberry rapidly as I swayed awkwardly to the intensifying beat. I noticed young looking boys around me wearing snap backs, Jordans and V-neck shirts. This was a cool place. It had a crazy yet casual, laid back vibe about it. The atmosphere was electric. Nobody was standing still. Wow, the guys here could really dance. They circled Louise and I doing some sort of funky two step dance routine. I enjoyed watching their dance moves, they were super cool. Happily observing I downed my drink and jiggled a little. Louise, the confident one out of us two, lunged forward wrapping her arms around one of the guy’s necks laughing and dancing on him. Off to the bar it was, I was desperate for another drink.
Louise and the guy were laughing their heads off. I didn’t ask what over, it was a private joke I guess. I noticed the guy fiddle with her drink and give it back to her. Louise was really getting into the music. She danced like nobody was watching and grinned intensely. He grabbed onto her waist and they moved together as she held onto his hands, her eyes fluttering. I wanted to join in so downing another drink I grabbed her hand and forced my way in. It was safe to say I was feeling considerably tipsy. Louise leant over to me whispering into my ear with her luscious pink lips. “Try some, babe” she told me. I didn’t know exactly what she was referring to. “Have you ever done ecstasy before, go on?”
I had heard about this drug many times but had never been in a scenario where I was openly being offered it. I felt an excited nervousness. I didn’t quite know what to do or how to react. I was scared – after all I’d heard some bad things, but at the same time was so very curious. “I don’t know,” I told Louise, I’ve never done this before, what will happen to me, I’m scared”. I wanted reassurance. “Babe don’t be silly, it’s fine, I always do it,” she promised.
Anticipation flowed through my veins. I was so afraid yet intrigued to find out what it was like. I agreed. Louise whispered to the guy. Grinning, he grabbed my glass and appeared to crush up a little pill and add some type of powdery substance to my drink.
I took another swig of my drink and all I know is that my and legs felt funny. I couldn’t feel them. My hands were tingling. Moving felt so effortless I swayed as if I was weightless. Shivers shot up my spine as I danced and giggled. I held on to Louise’s hand. I wanted her to be close to me. I felt vulnerable yet happy at the same time. Nobody asked if I was ok or recognised my vulnerability for they were all on the same high. My head was spinning as tingles continued to bounce on my skin. Florescent circular motions projected off the wall and into my pupils. I was buzzing. I kept clenching my fingers in order to feel some sort of pressure. Not being able to feel was weird so I clenched at my hand a little harder. My mouth was dehydrated, so dehydrated. I was desperate for water. I ran to the toilets wetting my face, hands and hair. Pushing my neck into the basin I opened my mouth widely and drank from the tap.
Back on the dance floor I felt my knees go week. Tilting from side to side I didn’t feel in control of myself. I grabbed onto Louise’s sweaty hand. “Don’t let go,” I begged her. “I love you,” she told me. Voices of laughter swarmed into my ears. Where they laughing at me? The boys were laughing, sweating and dancing uncontrollably in circles around one another. My jaw was twitching. Why was my jaw twitching? I gritted my teeth and closed my dry mouth but it was continuously twitching. I couldn’t stop it. I felt light, happy and dizzy but hated the feeling of not being in control of my own body. For whatever reason I found myself standing there chewing at my gums. Was I trying to stop my jaw twitching, or did I just need to restore some sense of feeling? I don’t know.
Panic struck me as I looked around and couldn’t see Louise, where was she? I took out my phone and called her but there was no response. My heart was beating out my chest. The guys were still there dancing in their own world but there was no sight of Louise. Running to the girls’ toilet, frantically I prayed she’d be there. She wasn’t. What I was going to do, I couldn’t even think straight. My body felt so funny. “Where did she go?” I called out to the guys: “she left” they chuckled. What was I going to do? Walking outside, shivering, my face was hit by the cold, crisp air. Setting off down the road at a high speed I kept phoning Louise but there was no luck. Where was my car? I couldn’t see my car? Had it been taken? I’d lost Louise and my car and didn’t have a clue what to do. I was terrified. I felt lost, alone and helpless and wished I could snap my fingers and feel normal again but it was no use. I couldn’t think straight.
Abandoned on the road side I stood there shivering. A white van pulled up beside me with two youngish men inside. A white guy with messy brown hair and stubble was staring at me. He pulled the window down asking if I was ok. I don’t remember exactly what the guys said I just know they were speaking to me with East European accents. I was a total wreck. They must have gathered I was lost and offered me a lift home.
Sat outside my front door at 8am I felt dizzy but relieved to be safe and in familiar territory. I was locked out. My family had all gone to work and I had no idea where my front door key was. At least I was safe and sound. The sun was beaming down on me. Exhausted and dehydrated I fell into a deep sleep on my front lawn.
I was let into my house when my mother returned from work. My car was safely found the following day exactly where I had left it. My cousin was safe and at her home. The only thing missing was my door keys.
Luckily we both made it home safe. However this situation could have been entirely different. Considering I was not in control of myself, I was lucky to arrive home safely having being dropped off by total strangers. I will never put myself in this situation again. The curiosity led me to try an illegal substance which resulted in me being left alone and unconscious of what was going on around me. If you ever think to try ecstasy for a laugh think twice. I put myself in an extremely dangerous situation where I was unaware of my surroundings. I would never want to be in a scenario again where I was not in control of my mind and body. I got off lightly but will never take the risk again!
‘Louise’s cousin’ was speaking to Sevi Kemal.