Are you a billionaire? Do you already have tons of money invested in different businesses, but are bankrupt in the morality department? Would you like to make even more money that you don’t need by exploiting the beloved sport of the working class and by trashing its traditions? Well then, this pep talk is for you.
Being the football club owner that you are, it is unlikely that you have shown any consideration for the working class or indeed the public in general since you took over your club. But it is now time to step up and be more shameless and upfront about this.
Your first task is to gather some of your fellow football club owners together in order to mastermind a vision for football that nobody except you shares.
This means you will have to ask these pals to get off their yachts and get around a table with you. If you are concerned that they won’t want to, just tell them that you have a sport to ruin and people to disregard. That should do it.
Secondly, having come up with the masterplan, you must sit on it for a few months so that you can release the news as quickly and as shockingly as possible.
The important thing to remember is that under no circumstances should you consult a single one of those people who hold football dear to their hearts before you alter the history of the game that they love.
This is because in this game your goal is the following: to isolate and render helpless the people that make you rich.
Did I hear you ask about the rights and voices of your players? Get a grip! That’s starting to sound like empathy. They don’t matter old boy. They’re just cogs in the wheel. They’ll do whatever you want if you offer enough money.
And as for the next generation of players who dreamt of winning the Champions League with one of these clubs? Well, what’s that got to do with you? No one watches the “champagne league” anyway, or whatever you said it was called.
Neither should it concern you that these players may lose the right to play for their country. Why? Because all I’m hearing is more money! And anyway, you can create your own World Cup!
“But might that that lead to a lack of genuine atmosphere in football stadiums?” I hear you ask. Well don’t worry about that. We don’t need that kind of passion anymore, or fans who genuinely care about sport. Matchday is no longer about that. Now we have Merchday. It’s all about merch, merch and more merch!
So are you clear about the mindset, and about what you are selling – which in this case includes your souls? Get into the right frame of mind and you can make even more billions.
So, if you’re ready, let’s get out there and show them. We’ve got traditions to wreck, and fans to exploit. And the best part is that given our power over the game that the fans love, they can’t do anything about it! Hell we’ve been doing this kind of thing to lesser clubs for years.
So are you ready? The whistle is about to go. Let’s play to win!